(#15) August Update on the Cancer Journey

 

My Grandpa Cook

Some experiences stick in the memory and significantly shape your future. The year was 1981 and my dad had just suffered a major heart attack while away from home at meetings in St Paul.  I was there at Midway Hospital when my grandpa (Mom’s dad) came to see him. We stepped out into the hallway as they prepared to leave when my grandpa turned to me and said, “Stevie, your dad doesn’t look very good. But, you know, either you or I could go before him. Are you ready?” I love both of my soft-spoken grandpas for their sweet no-nonsense boldness. I had graduated Seminary and was pastoring a church in Southern Minnesota by then. But that, including the fact that I was a relatively good guy, couldn’t purchase any ticket for heaven. I’m a sinner like everyone, and my only hope for eternal life is to trust that Jesus’ death on the cross was to rescue sinners like me and to give my life to follow Him.

A few years later my grandpa did die first; then my Dad; and I’m still (at least for now) hanging around.  But who knows for how long? This cancer deal is both a hardship and a blessing. There’s no question, cancer treatments are difficult. In lots of ways my body is breaking down as they target the tumors (I’ll spare you the details). But there is also a huge blessing knowing that barring a miracle, the end will be sooner rather than later. Yep, it’s a blessing.

When you know life will short, you have opportunity to put your affairs in order (insurance policies listed, clearing clutter that would be a burden for my wife and daughters, reviewing funeral plans and buying cemetery real estate). There’s also opportunity to say the words you really need to say to the important people in your life.

Further, there is great opportunity to narrow focus and lean in harder to becoming the person I deeply desire to be. For the believer, our first moments of eternity will mark an entire sanctification. Our Lord will finally and totally purify our character to be like Jesus. (see 1 John 3:1-3; Romans 8:29-30; Jude 1:24-25). What a glorious anticipation! I will be remade into the likeness of Jesus who was the visible image of the invisible God (Colossians 1:15). But wouldn’t it be great, if there wasn’t a lot of work to do to reshape me to be like Jesus? These days focus me on that objective. And it’s so helpful. I would never ask for this way into those blessings – but they’re real and I choose to focus on the blessing.

So – how am I doing? I’m blessed.

Chemo robs me of a bunch of things that used to matter a lot to me (perhaps I’ll write more on that later). I'm 5 treatments into a chemical cocktail, balanced to poison the cancer but not poison me, and it’s got some unpleasant side effects. I’m vaccinated for COVID, but chemo compromises my immune system. I try to make the most of it when I have the energy for household tasks, cause most often the energy is not there. Weakness seems to increase with each treatment.

Two weeks ago, between treatments, I rented a teardrop trailer and went camping along the North Shore with daughter Kim and grandson Jack. It was quality time and they were so patient with my limitations. We do get to church and out to pick up our groceries.  Those short drives across town are simply relief and therapy. I’d say eating is my greatest challenge. My esophagectomy left me able to only eat small portions and I experience nasty discomfort if I overdo it. I also don’t experience hunger like I did. Chemo makes good food taste bad. So eating has had to become a discipline rather than enjoyment. All of these are results from treatment. Otherwise, I’d have no clue I have cancer.

I must say that in the midst of the difficulty and limitations, God is so kind and good. My wife and daughters have shown themselves to be absolute saints. Many friends have reached out to reconnect and sharing the love of Jesus and pray bold prayers. Some of them stop by, others phone and some even text their prayer. It’s strange to me that having prayed for others in so many hospital rooms and next to so many sick beds, holding the hand of a broken hearted friend, I never realized how powerfully it lifts the soul and builds confidence in God.

I’d never ask for this way to learn these things.  But I’m so glad I get to learn and experience them.